literature

I Won't Let You Disappear

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Literature Text

“Marcy, could you please explain what you mean by invincible? As your therapist, I want to understand.”
“Amy.” I said resignedly, “I cannot die. I have been in dangerous situations, and come out untouched. I have attempted to kill myself a lot of times, and I am rejected by death each time. So basically, I am invincible.”
Amy sighed. “So in practical terms this means…?”
Frustrated, I tapped my foot against my chair. “It means I can’t die, so suicide is no longer an option. That trying to end my life will result in nothing but trouble and the psych ward.” Agitated, I twist locks of my blue hair. “Can we change the topic now?”
“Our time is almost up for today, but before you leave, I would like you to sign a contract that if you feel like hurting yourself or unsafe, you will either call a crisis line, or check yourself into the hospital.” Amy grabs a clipboard and a pen, passing me the contract.
I signed the dumb thing. It was the only way they would let me go home. I grab my messenger bag and stand, one hand on the door knob.
“Marcy, please schedule our next appointment with the receptionist!” Amy calls after me.
“Yeah, fine.” I mutter. I speed walk down the hall, and schedule with the receptionist. As soon as that was taken care of, I bolt out the door as if pursued by demons. And I was, in a way. My own, personal demons.
“Marcy! Over here!” Jeff called from his green car.
I turn, and see my boyfriend. Changing direction, I head for his car and slide in the passenger seat.
“Thanks for the ride.” I mutter tersely.
Jeff sighs. “How did it go? I’ve been really worried about you lately.”
I look out the window. “She made me sign a personal safety contract.” I grumbled. “Even though I explained that I am invincible! I don’t like therapy. Can we get ice cream? I need it. I am so stressed.”
Jeff alternates between watching me and the road. “I supposed we can stop at the grocery store and get some to bring home…”
“Yay!” I exclaim half heartedly.
“Are you gonna be alright?” Jeff worried. I can tell he’s thinking about what happened a week ago…

“Give me a reason to stay.” I demand.
He looks at me blankly. “You’re leaving?”
“Unless you offer a compelling enough reason, yes. I am so sick and tired of this.” I gesture to myself, and panic enters his beautiful green eyes.
“Oh. OH! You mean THAT kind of leaving…” He frowns. “What about ice cream? Or kitties? You know you can’t say no to kitties!” He desperately scrambles to find something, anything to make me stay.
I watch him, impassive. As he finally stutters to a halt, I sigh. “Sorry, but those aren’t compelling enough.”
He reaches out as if to touch me, and then stops himself. “Why do I have to give you a reason? Can’t you just stay because you want to?”
“Uh…”

“Jeff? Do you believe everybody has a purpose? A reason for existing?” I ask as we zip through traffic.
He is silent for a while, thinking. “I do, and not every reason is grand or dramatic. For instance, some people find purpose in caring for their families, others military, work or art. It just depends on who you are and what you are good at. So even if you can’t see it, it’s there, waiting for you to find it.”
I take a minute to process what he said. “Jeff…what’s your purpose?” I ask hesitantly.
“Marcy, you are my girlfriend, the love my life, and maybe even my soul mate. I think we were put here to find and help each other. I would be crushed if something happened to you. I’m so scared that I’ll lose you to your inner demons, and that I won’t be able to find you again. I love our cats, and enjoy my job as a hotel manager. Isn’t that good enough?”
I reach over and touch his shoulder. “Yes…That is plenty.”
We pull into the parking lot of Quick Stop.

“Marcy? What are you thinking about?” Jeff asks, sitting next to me on the couch. I lean into him, and show him my left arm. It’s covered with scars. Some of them just barely healed.
“I’ve been thinking about these. Do you really think I can quit?” I ask softly.
He wraps an arm around me and shows me his left forearm. His is covered in old scars. “It’s been two years since I last cut. If I can stop, so can you. I know we are different people, but…I still think you can quit if you want to enough. It’s as hard as quitting smoking for some people. It’s a decision that you make every time the urge surfaces. You are strong willed Marcy. Use that strength to quit.”
I snuggle into his embrace. “You know I love you, right? That my problems aren’t your fault, right?”
He shudders. “Yes, but it scares me when you are like that. And I feel like I’m not able to help you at all. That I’m not a good enough reason for you to stay. That you don’t care about my feelings…”
I touch his arm, and trace his scars with gentle fingers. Tears fall onto my arm, and I look up at Jeff’s face. He was crying. “Oh Jeff… Of course I care how you feel. I’m just a selfish jerk sometimes. I’m sorry…” My voice cracks and my own tears start falling.
We stayed like that, holding each other while crying for a long time. I must have drifted off to sleep, because I awoke in our bed. Jeff was in the bathroom with the door open. I climb out of bed and go to him. “I can’t sleep.” he says gruffly. “I’m afraid that if I close my eyes for too long, you will disappear…”
I hug him from behind. “I sometimes feel that way about you. When I do, I find that you make a really good teddy bear. That touching you will keep you real.”
He turns around in my embrace and kisses me. “I won’t let you disappear.” He vows in between kisses.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had a boyfriend who understood my issues because of personal experience.
© 2014 - 2024 KittySib
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mittensandpoppy's avatar
This was simply beautiful <3