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Submitted on
May 13
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Things are looking like they might get better, but my scars throb. They remind me of what I’ve done, and tempt me to add to them. I distract like crazy to drown out my urges to go psycho. Since I internalize things, I can’t go around breaking anyone’s stuff-or my own. The only canvas I can act out against is myself. Of course, my inhibitions prevent me from stabbing myself and spraying the walls with my own blood. At least, so far. The impulse is there though. It’s always there.
I feel like I don’t belong, that I don’t deserve to be alive. I know that there is no way for me to snuff out my life. I know that when I cut I worry people. I don’t understand why they would care. I don’t understand why ANYONE would care about me.
It’s never been my intention to cause trouble or worry for others. I don’t understand how deep or dark the words I write are or how they affect other people. I just write what I feel, what is on my mind. It always surprises me how other people react to me and what I say and do/or write.
I’m not sure if my introverted nature and social isolation cause my inability to read or understand people. I’m extremely impulsive, and tend to have really intense relationships with people outside of my family. Intense emotions good or bad can cause trouble, especially if I suddenly change how I feel about them.
I have this irrational fear of being abandoned by people I care about. I tend to bend over backwards trying to make them want to stay with me. It never ends well. I’ve been used and had my heart crushed into tiny shards. I guess it doesn’t make sense that a person like me-who doesn’t feel worthy of being loved, and fears being abandoned wants a soul mate.
I meant to just drink my tea and go to bed. Instead, I feel compelled to sit here trying to explain how things are. Maybe I want to try and reach out, to not be so lonely anymore. Foolish as it seems, I keep hoping that if I keep writing and submitting my work on the internet, I might catch my soul mate’s eye. That he’d find me, and learn about me through my writings.
It might seem that I’m an optimist, but that’s really ignorance of the “real world” and naiveté. Hope and my invincibility complex, along with dissociative amnesia are probably the reason I still reach out. I have no idea if I make sense or sound crazy. All I know, is that I want things to change. Me to grow in the area of relationships, and maybe find someone who understands my scars. Why I have them and why they might continue to appear.
So…I’m not sure if this was an attempt at explaining things, or if it’s just some rambling rant by a psychotic woman. Whatever it is, I hope it sheds light on issues that might interest others. My tea is almost gone so I’ll stop now.
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:iconilovemybirdies:
ilovemybirdies Featured By Owner May 19, 2014
Some day you will find someone... *hugs*
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:iconkittysib:
KittySib Featured By Owner May 20, 2014
Thanks!
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:iconquiettigress:
QuietTigress Featured By Owner May 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Sometime I have trouble letting this type of stuff out. I'm very glad you can let it out! :) and I can relate to some of this and feel for you. I"m the same way... I have psycho, intense urges too, but would never wish to hurt anything or anyone but myself.

I remember the feeling of not belonging anywhere, it's something I'd never wish for anyone! I had to learn to be myself aside from what I do and my friends. And when I no longer let the possible thoughts of others affect my actions... that's when everyone seems to be drawn towards me and want to be my friend. Friendships and relationships can be frustrating sometimes but I try to care for others as I want to be loved and cared for.

Also THERE IS A VERY IMPORTANT REASON FOR YOU TO LIVE! I dont' know it, and maybe you don't... but I believe there is a purpose for the life of everyone, a reason we weren't killed in a car accident yet, or even aborted. I have faith in you even if you don't! We all are unique and have a personality and gifts that can be offered to the world by no other person than YOU. Maybe you think you dont' have much to give... but by being yourself somehow you will impact the world though it will be through interaction with one person at a time.  Trust me... I've had an emotionally hard two years... but I still believe this. Life, what others say, what we think, etc. become one terrifying jumble that we are to stressed or to depressed to be able to sort out all the truth and lies. But one day things will become a little clearer. :)
I like to read what you've written. And I think people care because we've gone through something similar, or there are those who haven't but wouldn't want a family member to go through so much anxiety and pain alone, so they in turn care for you, not because of what you have or haven't done, but because they want to reach out to you from the bottom of their hearts. Yes - many people care. And I know a soul mate will come a long, keep being optomistic. I'm praying for you! <3
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:iconkittysib:
KittySib Featured By Owner May 16, 2014
:tighthug:
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:iconsilencedbook9:
Silencedbook9 Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Student Writer
Hug Hug Hug 
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:iconlightningtopaz:
LightningTopaz Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
::hugs:: Know that I'm here to lend you a spiritual shoulder if you ever need one--and I'll keep looking for adventurous stories to inspire you
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:iconkittysib:
KittySib Featured By Owner May 14, 2014
:tighthug: Thanks
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:iconlightningtopaz:
LightningTopaz Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome
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:iconsilverbackstar:
SilverbackStar Featured By Owner May 14, 2014
A person is a person no matter what; a life is a life no matter what. People will always care, even if they just don't know the right way to express themselves in such a matter. Hang in there! Things will get better in time. Believe, I really am saying this from experience. :)
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:iconarcnovaxiii:
ArcNovaXIII Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
letting out pain is better then keeping it in, i hope you feel better when you can.
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