Scarred and Waiting

I look at my hands. At my arms. At my scars. The skin tells a story of years of pain and despair. Of feeling so broken that the blade was the only relief. There is so much heartbreak etched on skin and heart. In the past, I tried to end the pain permanently. It didn't work. Somehow that made it hurt worse. Inside, the loneliness rips and shreds me, begging to just let go. To cut. To die. To do Something. Anything.
If only I weren't so alone. If only I hadn't promised to wait. A couple years ago, I had a dream where I died, and I was shown my soul mate, taking his life because I had taken mine. There was an angel, and I made them the promise that I would wait. Would not try to take my life. If I just keep searching, I will find my soul mate alive. Alive because I am alive.
There have been so many times I have tried to connect. To find him. All that ever happens is I feel used and the loneliness attacks worse than before. My soul mate has to be out there. Has to be. If not, what am I doing here? When will I find him? The one who will see my scars, and understand? Will love me anyways?
I am so tired of waiting. Of holding back. Tired of the agony tearing me apart. Some days are better than others. I am not looking for sympathy. I am looking for my soul mate.
Please. PLEASE find me. I am keeping my promise for you. I have stopped cutting for quite some time, but my scars are still a constant reminder. Do you have scars? Will you understand my pain? Do you need me as much as I need you? Please tell me. Where are you? When can I see you? Will I be able to ease your pain? Will I ever be enough?
Tears fall as I write this. I feel like raging and screaming, but it won't make a difference. I miss you, Soul Mate. I hope that when we meet, I can feel your warm embrace, and finally feel free. I'm waiting for you, so please wait for me as well.