Ponderings

I want to be someone’s love.
I have so much love inside,
But no one to give it to.
Like a moth to the flame,
I am drawn to those who cannot,
Or will not love me back.
I have bent over backwards,
Trying to earn their affection.
Doing things I regret,
Giving more than I have,
All to get even a crumb of affection or love.

Time after time,
I find myself used and discarded.
Unneeded and unwanted.
I understand in my head
that I must like myself.
That if I don’t respect myself,
No one else will either.
Still,
The longing remains.
The longing to love and be loved.

My family thinks I’m too giving,
And they try to protect me.
Still,
How can they protect me,
When the choices were mine?

I’ve given this much thought.
Yes,
I am a broken,
Shattered mess inside.
That doesn’t mean I am incapable of love.
If anything,
It means I love more fiercely,
More completely than someone whole.
I won’t judge scars or depression.
After all,
I deal with those too.

If I knew a safe way to find my soul mate,
I’d do it in the blink of an eye.
Waiting is so hard for me.
I wish I could DO something to help things along.

I don’t ask for much.
Respect for me-both body and feelings,
Honest affection-in both words and action,
And understanding of my scars and past.
Is it too much ask of anyone?
I don’t think it is,
But what do I know?